There is, in my opinion, a very good reason I feel like writing a spiteful blog post tonight. At this very moment, people are gathered together less than two hours from my house listening to my absolute most favorite band of all time perform live and I’M STUCK HERE IN STUPID OLD SMALL TOWN, USA. Less than two freaking hours from my house. But horror of horrors, it’s a school night.
So yeah, I’m stuck here at home, listening to my collection of Jars of Clay music on shuffle and blogging while a band with three Grammy’s is likely singing some of my favorite songs just far enough away to be too far. The entire bloody city of Rocky Mount, Virginia had better turn out for this concert or it is a city of ingrates. *sighs heavily*
I suppose the best one can do in moments like this is try to look on the bright side (though I wonder if there is one here) and make light of things if appropriate. And it is just a band after all. Except it’s not just a band because it’s The Awesome Freaking Jars of Freaking Clay we are talking about. But we can still be silly about bands. And so, I came up with a plan this evening. (The results are as follows, but if you find it boring, scroll down to the end of the post, where I have made a playlist of all my favorite Jars of Clay songs for you to enjoy and so that you may share my pain.)
Here’s what happened: I don’t remember why, but I wandered over to a sort of website known as a band name generator. It just takes random words and makes them into a name for a hypothetical band. And so I collected some of my favorites, and put them in a list. Then I found a song name generator and did the same thing. Finally, I got some random quotes to serve as album titles. And so, I give you, ten songs that don’t exist, but definitely should, and my review of them. Enjoy.
But not too much because remember, we are in Jarhead mourning. Sshh, sshh, no laughing. Alright, never mind, you can laugh. What am I, the Laugh Nazi? I will sit here, the stoic and fatalistic philosopher. No, the Jars situation does not bother me. Of course not. It is merely one of billions of representations of life’s unfairness. Gosh I can ramble. Without further ado, and in no particular order:
Show Me Obstacles – Glacier Report and the Reporting Marshmallow
From their album Great Things Are Born. Glacier Report and the Reporting Marshmallow is the best band no one has ever heard of, and evidently they love the word report. Really, all of their songs are incredibly deep symbols about equivocation, such as when the word “report” can have two different meanings. The marshmallow reports the song, while the glacier is making a mighty cracking sound as it splits in two. This is a wonderful and thought-provoking song about a man who thinks his new relationship is too good to be true.
Forgotten Car – Canadian Gas
From their album Like an Idiot. Canadian Gas is a collaborative project of two goofball former politicians who were joking about the Keystone XL pipeline one day. This is the second in a trilogy of singles. “Random Car“ details how a cat burglar carjacks someone who happens to be a super spy who then remotely detonates the stolen Ferrari. In “Forgotten Car”, the Ferrari has been left abandoned on the side of the road, a burnt shell, until a Ferrari enthusiast and mad scientist takes it home. The third song, “Revenge of the 50-foot Car” relates the havoc that ensues when the mad scientist is finished with the Ferrari. Literally, all three of those titles were suggested by the song name generator.
Fruity Surprise – Octane of the Tofu
From their album Who You’re Going to Be. Sort of pop music, not my typical. But everyone knows that high octane tofu is the best kind. And while a fruity surprise isn’t who everyone is going to be, we all deep down know it is who we want to be.
Putting an End to Moments – Champ Splash
From his album What They Seem to Be. Champ Splash is a genius. He has managed to create good music while making heavy use of dolphin noises. This is probably his best song, a tale of a frustrated and lovesick marine biologist. Sounds a bit like Death Cab for Cutie to be honest.
Fragments of a Lost Soundwave – Written Saturday
From their album No Matter What. Who knew writers could be good musicians too? But yes, a local poetry club that met on Saturdays started writing songs, and here they are today. Their music is a little experimental and… fragmented, but the lyrics are to die for.
Words from a Distance – Forgiven of the Messy
From their album Situation Comedy. Forgiven of the Messy is a stellar Christian band (though not as good as Jars of Clay) whose name means just that. Despite our mistakes, God forgives us our sins and our messiness. And heck, sometimes life is a situation comedy. This is definitely their best song.
Grab Your Whisper – Bright Fresh
From their album Become Your Friend. Think of Bright Fresh as an optimistic emo band. And given the album title, think of this song as a “just friends” version of Death Cab’s “I Will Possess Your Heart”. The singer think your such an awesome person, he wants to reach out and “grab your whispers” that he can’t hear when you’re not around. Not quite as stalker-creepy as “I Will Possess Your Heart”, and the album ends quite optimistically. I think they become great friends.
Mistakes Are Getting Old – Surfing Druid
From their album Thinking About Something Else. Surfing Druid is possibly one of the best names for a band ever. (Seriously, it would be so utterly cool to see a Druid all dressed in robes surfing, wouldn’t it.) Another very symbolic album. Surfing is a metaphor for going through life. But the Druid in question keeps daydreaming and wiping out. At this point in the album, all these mistakes are getting old. Will he reconcile his daydreams with reality, or find an even better solution? Buy the album to find out…
Expressions That Keep You Awake – Felony of Bridge
From their album New Situation. If you thought a group of rebel grannies couldn’t form their own heavy metal band, think again. Tired of being reprimanded by young whippersnappers about the amount of time they spent playing bridge, these grannies left home and are now on tour across the country. This is the prequel to their latest single “Answers to Make You Cry”. Seriously, do you not know about rebel grannies already?
Don’t Question the Road – Contrast of Eyelid
From their album For Our Existence. A very existentially minded experimental electronic group, Contrast of Eyelid has really only one song of which I am personally a fan, and it is this one. It’s a song about being on the move, through life or whatever, and why you shouldn’t question the fact, because that would involve stopping, obviously.
Side Note: Just figured I would make note of something since I know of at least one Icon for Hire fan who might read this. I thought it was funny when the song name generator suggested the name “Rock and Roll Thugs”. Like seriously, that song already exists. Was it supposed to be a joke? And Easter egg? We may never know…
So there you have it folks. Ten songs that somebody seriously needs to write. I hope you all are having a splendid night. No need to feel sorry for me, really. Maybe they’ll come back someday. Listening to their music has already uplifted me some, and refocused my perspective. These are sunny days. “If you don’t mind believin’ that it changes everything / Time will never matter”.
I hope you all “won’t give up what’s moving you inside”. 🙂 And here is the promised playlist. You don’t have to listen to it all now, but hey, next time you have a time-consuming task to get through on your computer, think of silly old fanboy Peuce L. Monk and consider some Jars for your soundtrack. And hey, I guess it’s cool that Dan Hasseltine, Stephen Mason, Matthew Odmark, and Charlie Lowell are less than 200 miles from my house, right? Spreading their awesomeness across the land. I hope the citizens of Rocky Mount enjoy the show immensely and are as uplifted by it as I know I would be.
I’ve gone on for much too long already. Good night!