ON CLEANING THE BATHROOM
a fragmented soliloquy by the celebrated
PROF. PEUCE L. MONK, S.J., O.P., D.D., M.R.C.V.S.
Why must you have so much hair? I’m not just saying this because it gets on the sink and sticks to one’s fingers, but that is what made me think of it. I mean, why aren’t us guys allowed to have long hair too without people looking at us funny? And how is it your hair always ends up on the sink and mine doesn’t?
Just wondering… Don’t get me wrong though; y’all’s hair is gorgeous.
Sponges… Whose idea were they? I mean, they’re really quite cool if you think about it.
Seriously, you’d think if Windex comes in a spray bottle with a nice logo and is a such remarkably fruity shade of blue that it would at least attempt to smell civil. But NO…
Idea while cleaning the mirrors:
“Hey, let’s write a blog post about cleaning the bathroom. That’s an incredible idea.” (See note at “sarcasm”.)
*proceeds to do so anyway*
Y’know, if Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and we’re called to do the same, do I get points for cleaning the shower? Sure it’s not feet, but it’s dirt that was on people’s feet before. Am I right? Well?
There was an eight-inch-long tangle of hair stuck in the drain cover.
I don’t know whether to be fascinated or disgusted.
The shower head is mocking me for my musings on washing people’s feet.
*whispers intensely* “I think it’s an atheist…”
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our shower head has recruited the soap and the razor to join in its mockery, and whenever I walk in the room it starts singing “Eye in the Sky”.
Can we burn it at the stake?
Shower Head: *singing* “I am the eye in the sky, looking at yooooooooooooooooou!!! Ah can read your maiaind…”
Me: *singing* “NOW THANK WE ALL OUR GOOOOOOOOOOOD-duh! WITH HEARTS AND HANDS AND VOOOOOOOICEZZ!
Soap: (halfheartedly) “I can re–”
Me: *singing* “WHO WONDROUS THINGS HAS DOOOOOOONE-nuh! IN WHOM THIS WORLD RRREJOOOOOOOOOOOICEZZ!!
Shower Head: …
Razor: … filthy Catholic.
Me: “Course I’m filthy, bozo: that’s why I’m taking a shower.”